I Am Not Dead

            Last night at my daughter’s 8^th grade graduation ceremony, I was keenly aware of strange, subtle and sometimes lingering glances in my direction. I experienced everything from peeks of pity, to looks of loathing, and after verifying that both boobs were in place and that I didn’t have the proverbial skirt stuck in the pantyhose thing going on, I convinced myself that my perception was due to nothing but a brief flash of paranoia, or a bad mussel that I had gulped down merely minutes before. ‘Perhaps these folks have read my blog’, I thought at one point, ‘and think I’m certifiable...a wacko.’  I quickly reminded myself of a great quote from Oscar Wilde: “Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex, and vital. When critics disagree, the artist is in accord with himself.” So there.

But then, at the reception after the ceremony, a person who is somewhere between an acquaintance and a friend clued me into the situation.

“I have to ask,…” she said. “Are you and your husband still…..together?” she prompted while displaying the two-index-fingers-together-‘buddy up’ SCUBA sign in my direction.

“Like married?” I asked, holding up my hand adorned with my wedding ring. “Uh. As far as I’m aware. Last time I checked anyway. I was just sitting with my husband and everything seemed fine….but then I’m always the last to know. Why do you ask?”

She laughed….or choked….but it sounded like a laugh. “Ah, good. I thought you should know….I’ve had several clients….people that don’t even know you hardly at all…..ask me about you or talk about you being divorced… I told them I knew nothing, but then I was concerned for you...”

Gotta love a small town.

“Well next time someone inquires, tell them to call my phone directly…..I’ll leave an updated message weekly, for those whom are so interested in my life, and avoid speculation and false rumors altogether. Next thing you know, people will be thinking I’m dead. Elvis and I both. Sheesh. “

So there you have it. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been negligent with this blog, (because I’m both overwhelmed and underwhelmed), or because someone saw me without my wedding ring (rarely wear it), but whatever the trigger, this is yet another example of our perverted and voyeuristic society - this time at my expense.

         Not to say that my love relationship hasn’t had its share of dips and ruts (a la ‘mattress trouble’), but after 18 years, whose hasn’t? The point is, it’s private - a concept that is destined to go the way of the Dodo and black and white television. The only thing that is public should be that which is publically heard from the source itself. You know, hold your horses then get your information straight from the horse’s mouth…..but don’t look in it…..before the cat gets let out of the bag prompting a cock and bull story that may send someone running around like a chicken with its head cut off on the way to the funny farm that smells like a rat. Simple. It’s one of my mottos- ‘always go to the source’, and imagine how much more sane this world would be if we all just stopped speculating, and distorting. Aren’t people tired of playing ‘Broken Telephone’ and getting caught in the grapevine?

But then we’re all conditioned and manipulated by reality television shows, youtube and live feed cameras, where the line between reality and fantasy is practically non-existent. Encouraged to pry, peep and probe, maybe our sense of respect and discretion is being bred out of us. Maybe, our concept of entertainment has finally absolutely extended beyond the television, the movie theatre, the computer, and into people's private lives....anyone's private life.  Is it because we are seamlessly connected now, that we expect to know everything about everybody? Is it Steve Jobs’ fault? Can we just blame the media…again? As I’ve asked before, I wonder if it is television and media driving our lust for intruding, or is it our lust for intruding that is driving the television and media? Whatever the case, it’s getting plainly gross.

And I don’t know how much ‘news’ I’ve watched where the anchors and experts are describing potential scenarios and undeveloped situations with astonishing verve. From computer simulations to possible future plots, so much time and energy is spent filling 24-hour news shows with fear-based and unsubstantiated information, that it’s no wonder we’re all confused and upset. We’re told to worry about things that are not happening and may in fact never happen, but that seem to lure us in anyway. It seems such a waste of power and resources that could be redirected to actual ordeals and valid and valuable events. I say, give us the info and then responsibly guide us in the current situation, not some abstract and made-up science fiction show. I realize most media bases their success on delivering a great ‘hook’, but truly, there is enough going on out here on this planet we’re destroying -Pandora (I mean Pandora’s Box) - to hook us on the now, and what to do about the now…now. Geez. Haven’t these people read any Ram Dass?

On a personal level, l have this to say:

I am not dead. I am still happily married. I do not have six toes on one foot. I am deaf in one ear, I do dye my hair and I do wear a retainer at night. I am not a spy for The Earth Liberation Front. I was once a ring girl at a boxing match, and I was de-sistered from a sorority. I am not gay. I am an environmentalist. I abhor kids running around in restaurants and, yes, I am absolutely addicted to chocolate.

“Don’t believe everything you think” – Thomas Kida