Say What?!

         The trip hasn’t even begun, yet we’re already onto Plan B.

         Although we were not scheduled to leave for our Spring Break trip until tomorrow (Saturday), United determined at 10:17pm last night, that there would be a mechanical failure with the aircraft on that partiular morning, so they cancelled the flight. Yes, predicting the problem, those amazing United visionaries preempted an airport riot by simply cancelling all passengers two days before departure. We were not rebooked, but that lovely ‘courtesy’ call that woke me from my blissful slumber suggested I call to reschedule as soon as possible. So kind. So customer friendly. So bankrupt.

         First of all, how the heck those airline experts knew of an impending failure, is a mystery to me. Apparently, the clairvoyant geniuses are in the wrong line of work. Obviously, they’re not very successful with running an airline, and have everyone, including their pilots, pissed off, but I imagine they could make quite a bit of pocket change and probably more than a few people joyous, by reading palms in downtown Key West! Move on from your failure, my friends….life is full of opportunity!

         Anyhow, knowing that half the town is planning a mass exodus Saturday morning, and were probably cancelled as well, I roused myself from sleep and dialed the United number. My projected wait time, I was told, was18 minutes…. Terrific. After pushing buttons and screaming responses into the speaker, someone with a really thick Eastern Indian accent came on and forced me to repeat the numbers I’d just entered, and explain my large problem. I could hardly understand him….and he could hardly understand me either.

         “How can they cancel a flight for mechanical problems two days before it’s scheduled to fly?” I ask. “The plane is not even here. What kind of mechanical issues? What’s the real reason?”

         “I’m sorry? Can you please repeat? Wrinkle issue? Matriarchal shoes? Oh, mechanical issue. Let me see…perhaps, Miss, it is for weather reasons. Most likely for some weather, Miss. I’m sorry. Likely for some weather.”

         “Did he just say latchkey foursomes with leather?” I thought. What the hell does that mean? Tykes’ fearsome leader? Oh…for some weather….”

         “They know what the weather will be like in two days?” I ask smartly. “Am I talking to United or Mother Nature? God? Have I finally met you? I have a little problem with some of your decisions and creations lately. Can we talk? We can start with that irritating dingbat Sarah Palin….and that big mouth Ann Coulter…” (Okay, so I was a little punchy…)

         There was no comment. I thought he had hung up.

         “Are you still there? Hello? Sir! Hello!”

         “Miss, I notice you are traveling to Mexico.” he says suddenly, obviously relieved I have stopped talking. “That is an international flight, Miss. I will have to transfer you to our international desk, and they can try to assist you, Miss. I’m sorry, Miss.”

         “But aren’t you in India.? Aren’t you international?” I burst out.

         “Yes, Miss, I am in India, but the United Airlines international desk is located in city of Chicago, Miss. I can only help with domestic flights. Sorry. Thank you for flying United Airlines and please stay on the line.”

         “Peas, steaks and hemlines??” What the hell was he talking about? Was I having a bad dream? Why is the international desk in the US, but the US desk is in India? I made a mental note to check the ingredients in that Sleepytime Tea…..

         After 53 minutes of really bizarre and aggravating conversation, where I was told that we couldn’t travel until Monday or Tuesday, I managed to get the four of us confirmed on flights leaving a mere 24 hours later - Sunday. Of course we don’t have seat assignments…because there are no seats left…..because they are way oversold now….but it might not surprise some to learn that I can be pretty convincing (forceful) when necessary. If my Hungarian ancestors were resourceful and shrewd enough to survive both the Germans and Russians, I can certainly secure a flight out of town.

         If not, there’s always Plan B…or is it C now?

         Ann Limbaugh…I mean Coulter, seems rather comfortable in offering travel solutions lately, so maybe I’ll give her a jingle. Magic Carpet? (I wish) Camel? (Don’t they slobber?) No, she’ll probably tell me to just be quiet and get in a windowless cattle car with the other deportees......

        You know, maybe the guy from Delhi couldn’t annunciate, but at least he was polite….and said things like ‘Sorels are bliss and appease!”…I mean, “Sorry and Miss and Please…” That wild-tongued she-devil, though….she can’t communicate. Perhaps it’s the liberal Canadian in me, but I just don’t understand her at all.