Air-Conditioning

       You will be greeted by cooling ocean breezes and the soothing rhythm of the waves below. Panoramic vistas of the azure blue ocean, and a large oasis of palm trees give way to the beautiful sight of tranquil Sayulita, and then to the trees and flowers of the jungle. These views will captivate you by day, mesmerize you at dusk with spectacularly colorful sunsets, and entertain you by night, as the twinkling lights of Sayulita reflect off the waters of the bay. In the morning you will awaken to flocks of small green and yellow parrots playing in the vibrant surrounding jungle, while larger blue parrots and eagles fly through the air.         

         Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

         What the description failed to mention however, was that it was a house with no walls. A structure consisting of a slippery-when-wet tiled floor, a partial ceiling held up by concrete pillars, and a half-wall holding up the staircase, the house was not a house at all; it was a not-house.

         Sure, the tiny bedroom claimed to come with walls…and, in the owner's defense, there were three….but the fourth wall - the front wall - consisting of large glass double-doors didn’t really close, rendering it open to the elements and, well, wall-less. And the bathroom? Well, there were three walls in there too, but the shower side of the room was also wall-less and, oddly, perfectly positioned so that the house next door would get a great (or not so great) view of you bending over to shave your legs, or pick up the dropped soap.  Heck, that might be a thrill for some (like my husband), but for me, I prefer to was my privates in private.  

        There was a beautiful, unobstructed and wall-less panoramic view of the bay, as the description mentioned, but I had no idea that the ‘captivating’ views really meant that you would be held captive by the view, (synonym:  landscape, environment), since there was absolutely no escape….from sun, wind, rain and ‘flocks of small green and yellow parrots’ pooping all around you. And I guess I must have misinterpreted ‘air-conditioning’ and ‘spacious’ to mean something else as well. Silly me. As a writer, I should know better…. But talk about lack of closure…I mean disclosure….!

         And as much as I tried, I couldn’t comprehend the need for screens on the windows in the bathroom with three walls? Are bugs that stupid? I must have missed something. Had we rented a tree?

         We had been warned, albeit merely minutes prior, by the caretaker of the not-house who was sympathetic to our situation. Before taking us up to view the less than adequate accommodations, she explained how her son had just finished axing out downed trees from our bedroom, and showed me the unsightly bruise on her hip from slipping on the wet tiles.

         “Normally, I’m not this honest and I just drop people off and let them deal with it, but since you’ve just had knee surgery…. I need to tell you, in case you don’t know, that the house is really wide open …um ….unprotected….um….exposed….um….wet right now. We’re not quite finished cleaning up. I don’t think you want to be hauling out branches and mopping the living room with that knee. You didn’t know this? The description on the website doesn’t mention that it’s outside living?”

         “Didn’t even say open floor plan.” I said, as I gave the ‘oh-my-god-I’m panicking’ look to my husband.

         “Hmm. And by the way, the hot water is out too…and we can’t get to the roof to light the pilot because of the recently downed trees….so it’ll be a cold shower outside tonight…in 60 degrees. Burr. Did you bring a rain shell? Sweater? We’ve been having strangely cold and wet weather.” She said as she sipped on her second beer.

         “Do you mind if I finish my drink, before we head up there? And did you rent a 4-wheel drive? Because the road is washed out in places…..and it’s a really steep long way up! The website said a 10 minute walk to town? Well, maybe if you’re Usain Bolt….on the way down! HA!”

         It was a not-road. A slippery dirt path, seemingly vertical in parts, and riddled with unreasonably deep ruts, the access to the not-house on this not-road was unsettling, even for adventurers like ourselves. It took us a couple of attempts to conquer that last hill, but sputtering and spinning mud, we managed to make it to the top….to our house with no walls.

         “So, what do you think?” the caretaker asked, as we stood on the platform which was apparently referred to as the sundeck/living room/kitchen/plunge-pool terrace/bedroom?

         “What are our options?” I grunted as I swatted at the bugs swarming around my head.

         “Maybe we can spend all day tomorrow looking for another place for you. Too bad you’re only here for 6 days…well five after this wasted day. Go get some dinner and sleep here tonight. I don’t think it’s supposed to rain until tomorrow, so you’ll stay dry. Oh, and ignore our barking dogs….we’re squatting here….downstairs….but we promise you won’t notice us….except our barking dogs…. And be careful going back down that hill. Some of those spots get slick and you can go right off the cliff!”

         Did you know that there are almost 1000 different kinds of tequila? And that the discerning patron samples each one of them with an astute yet constant verve in order to establish which suits him or her the best?

         Sometimes I just can’t make up my mind.