The Bottom Line

        My guard was down, but the seat was up.

         I fell in.

         I’m sure in his hurried excitement to get to the airport at 6 am, my husband simply forgot to put the seat back down on our toilet. I know there was no malicious intent or even playful joking involved, but rather it was purely accidental….an oversight. I know this, because after 17 years of living together, and several dialogues pertaining to the seat conflict, it has become perfectly clear that the thing belongs down, against the porcelain oval bowl, in a friendly and unthreatening position. His reckless slip-up today however, left me uttering words that would have embarrassed a sailor….

         It’s the middle-of-the-night or the-first-thing-in-the-morning visit to the facilities that ordinarily requires some vigilance. I’ve been soused before, so in order to avoid potential repeats, I employ certain methods. Being that it is typically dark, I usually approach the depot in a cautious and mindful manner, placing my hand down gently behind me in order to survey, through touch, whether or not the barrier is in place. Sensing the seat, I can then continue into the full-seated position and go about my business. If my hand instead feels the cold and inhospitable rim, I rise, fix the problem and avoid disaster. No use taking the plunge if you don’t have to. There are other ways to make a splash….

         This morning however, I must have been just as unconscious as my negligent husband because I didn’t use the hand trick. I just sat; totally trusting and artless in my actions. How foolish. When I realized I was not going to land safely on that perfectly manufactured injection molded plastic, I panicked. I had this sinking feeling…and in the millisecond it took for me to fly past the clammy edge and hit the water, I actually thought that I could pull myself out of it. “My quads are strong…I can get back up!” I thought, but either my feet were not positioned for an effective squat, or I had simply gone beyond the point of no return. In any case, I plunged ungracefully into that bog, triggering a string of words and actions that drove my dog into hiding.

         It’s just another shortcoming in the human design, I guess. Women need to sit, and men like to stand. As if there weren’t enough to debate about, the inconsistency of our relief routines has contributed to many arguments about toilet ownership, moments that are gender divisive, disputes regarding bathroom aesthetics, and uncomfortable derrière dousings. But can you blame the guys for not wanting to sit? It’s certainly more efficient and sanitary to stand…and it’s a lot less stress on the knees! No wonder women require twice as many knee replacements than men. Up. Down. Up. Down. Crack. Crunch. Imagine how many squats a woman has done by the time she’s sixty? (approx. 6- 8 times a day x 365 x 60……yikes.) Let’s just face it: We are mismatched un-loaders and contrasting drainers, and something needs to be done. We need a pee-er review.

         Of course, there are always those automatic toilet seats with the electronic lids. I’ve never actually seen one in action, but I’ve heard that they’re guaranteed to end ‘toilets wars’ for good. Hmm. For some reason they never became particularly popular in North America, and I can only guess that it must have something to do with skepticism, distrust, and loss of control. What if the thing malfunctions and gets stuck in the down position? What if gets stuck in the up position?! What if a freakish short circuit causes the seat to quickly go up and down repeatedly, forcing the unlucky standing male to have to aim through a moving target? They’d have to be seat-sensible and stream-spry all the time….which is obviously not possible, or I wouldn’t be writing this piece in the first place!

         The bottom line is that until a man does a couple hundred thousand squats and bathes his tush in tepid toilet water a dozen times, he has no argument. How could he possibly relate to our toilet torture and our immersion miseries? The way I see it is that leaving the seat down is just an act of courtesy. It’s compassionate and thoughtful….it’s like pulling out a chair for a woman. So, please guys, give us a break.....Let us take a seat.